Dropping out of character to share this with you: My friend and fellow author Grace Bridges is visiting this week and we had some fun yesterday doing research for Vern. I don't know if other authors ever do this kind of stuff. I do tend to leave ordinary citizens flat-footed by my requests, but they always play along. Probably because they're afraid of the crazy lady.

Don't forget--if you like Vern, go register at his website to get a free story!

Got to love YouTube. I love to watch Mundanes get what's coming to them. Showed that one to my friend Herald Charlie. He has a Glock along with a very sharp dagger. He knows not to point either at something he doesn't intend to injure. Speaking of Mundanes getting what they deserve--we have 50 registered members on the website now. Karina will be posting the story up soon and we plan to start a six-times-a-year newsletter in 2009. Tell your friends. Unlike pointing loaded guns at your foot, signing up won't hurt a bit.

Doesn't if figure? Karina goes to a writing convention, then calls me to do her homework! Seems she got a special request to have the following sentences re-written with a Dragon's Eye view. What the hey--she fed me chicken:

1- She was staring at the blank screen.

I caught Kitty on one of those rare moments--under a deadline and unable to think of a single bad, biased thing to type. To bad I couldn't work a camera to catch how her blank screen matched her blank stare, but at least dragons have photographic memories.

2- He looked at her and smiled.

His "Captain Kirk" smirk matched his corny pick up line, yet she fell for it like a bad cliche in an old movie.

3- The spread on the table looked great.

I slavered. The Duke might lack a lot of things--intelligence and manners come to mind right off--but he did know how to throw a feast.

4- The butler was walking when the doorbell rang and he walked back to answer it.

Through the door, I could hear the clack-clack-clack of someone striding with purpose across the marble floor. I could not imagine what a butler could have to do in the middle of a Saturday afternoon that required such a pace, but I was in a mood. I waited until his steps had faded down the hall, then rang the doorbell.

From Karina: the Muse Online Conference was incredible. I had a great time, as usual, learned a some new writing and marketing tricks and came away with some idea stories. Thanks, Lea!

Karina is at the MuseOnline Conference and I'm taking the excuse to be lazy, too. Look at the top of this website for our Conference/Book Tour special.

No one's bugged me about my non-candidacy lately. Guess when I didn't show up for the debates, it sent a message.

Speaking of messages, Karina has one: She's touring Firestorm of Dragons, in which she wrote up one of my first cases, "DragonEye, PI." She'd like to invite any bloggers to join in. If you contact her, she'll get you information, from a synopsis and cover art to interviews to a review copy of the book (electronic). She will also be at the MuseConference Online October 13-20. She gets to attend a writers conference without leaving home. Lucky her. The last time Grace and I attended a conference, we had to babysit a bunch of mischievous magicals at the Mensa World Gathering. What a fiasco--and we didn't even get paid! Anyway, she's asked if I'd make an appearance. I'm not sure I will since my newfound "fame" as a Presidential non-candidate has kept me busy..hiding, mostly.

Saw an interesting video on MySpace from another PI. He rents out some ofhis equipment to clients who can't afford his fees. An interesting thought--I'm pretty sure if I bared my teeth enough, the clients would take REAL GOOD care of our stuff. But I can only imagine the fiasco that would ensue if something went wrong and Captain Santry found out our equipment was involved. Besides, dragons don't rent their treasure.

Sorry for the delay. I'm still fielding calls about my non-candidacy for your Mundane presidency. I think I'm looking forward to your elections more than any being alive.

Here's one by Joyce Anthony:

1. What platform are you not running on?

"Leave me alone" works for me, but for some reason, people think that makes me Libertarian.

2. If you happen to win this position you're not running for, what would you like to see happen for dragons everywhere?

Riotous laughter? Hiding their heads in shame? Traditionally, dragons take a more advisory role. I'd prefer it stay that way. I'd also prefer to charge hefty fees for my advice. Take a note, guys.

3. Vern, would you be willing to tell me what you think of your competit...er...those who are running?

They're only human. What more is there to say?

4. If you were running (I know, I know, you say you aren't) but if you were...what would you like to tell the voters?

Make a responsible and moral choice—and while you're at it, live responsible and moral lives. Makes running a country easier.

5. President Vern...I like the sound of that...are you absolutely sure you aren't running? I bet you have plans on what you would like the world to be like...can you share some of those thoughts??

Edible. And interesting. Of course, most of the world is like that for me already. I would mind it a little less annoying—and better paying for annoyances I have to deal with.

Grace, however wants me to add something more applicable to you humans, so:

--People wouldn't depend on government programs to care for the poor—those with means would do it themselves. Those with the means to work would work, regardless of how demeaning they think the job is, and get paid enough to eat and have a decent place to live, though not necessarily a car, cable, cell phone, Wii, and all the things you Mundanes think are "necessary."

--Kids would work hard for their grades and get the grades they deserve.

--People would obey laws and accept their punishment if they didn't.

It comes down to personal responsibility, and you can only legislate that so much.

Oh, and everyone would realize that no matter what color your skin is, what accent you speak with, where you or your ancestors come from, on the inside, you're all just meat. Think about that the next time you want to annoy me.

Psst....if I tell everyone to vote for you, will you insist they buy a copy of Storm when you win???

My ethics committee (snicker) says I can't do that, but I can put a plug for it here: "Life isn't about surviving the storm, but learning to dance in the rain" Let Storm teach you to dance in the rain! http://joyceanthony.tripod.com

Karina called to let us know she's finished the manuscript of Live and Let Fly. This was one of our biggest STUCs (Save The Universe Case).

Like so many of our STUCs, it started simple: our friend, Herald Charlie Wilmot got mugged on the set of Live and Let Fly, where he'd planned to propose to his girlfriend, Heather Haskell, who has the role as the latest Chiles Chick. However, we soon realized that the mugging had higher aims and bad timing: the thief, a real pro, had been after information about the Interdimensional Gap, information Charlie had dropped off to his contact hours earlier. Grace and i get drafted into the Bureau of Interdimensional Law Enforcement, which I'm not supposed to tell you about because "the people don't need to know the government has BILE." So pretend you didn't read that.

The baddies then kidnap Heather to trade for the information, but we go charging to the rescue--without BILE, a long story you can read about--and face clueless minions, a Six Sigma Evil Overlord, killer animatronic monsters, and a lethal board game. On the bright side, I got to eat the Evil Overlord's hand. The circumstances weren't funny, but the cheap jokes afterward were. Got to hand it to that McThing...

Grace picked up some information on McThing's nefarious plans, which took us and CIA agent "Rakness, Stan Rakness" to Bandar Baru. That's what I get for wishing we could have a week on a tropical island. I had to be human for the majority of the mission. Sunburn, mosquitoes, sore feet, women wanting to drag me behind the potted plant... Give me my dragon form any day! Still, it might have been fun, if it hadn't been for the active volcano, the Faerie Norse goddess trying to induce Ragnarok in the Mundane universe, the trip to Hel and back, and trying to capture a shapeshifting Loki while he tried to drag me and Sister Micheala Joan into the searing lava. At least the USMC came just in time to help out--Semper fi!--as did the Faerie Inquisition. Bet you weren't expecting that. (Incidentally, Inquisition has the same motto; no wonder they got along with the Marines so well.)

The manuscript is due to Swimming Kangaroo in November, which means Karina has two months to gripe at me about my use of passive voice. Magic, Mensa and Mayhem comes out in February, and Live and Let Fly will probably be out in the Fall--but that's only a guess. SK hasn't said anything about it yet.

Apparently, the press continues to wonder about my non-bid for the Presidency. I got an e-mail from reporter Sherry Thompson with questions about my non-campaign. Figured it'd be entertaining to answer them here:

Non-candidate Vern, sir. How do you answer the pundits who suggest that prime ministers and other dignitaries visiting your White House might be in danger of losing limbs if talks between you weren't "cordial and productive"?

I like the "sir." Shows respect. Not enough Mundanes respect the dragon.

First off, I haven't eaten a human in over 900 years. That's even before George bespelled me to serve God and His creatures, which took sentient beings off my menu. Not that I don't entertain fantasies now and then, but if former President Carter could "lust in his heart," Why can't I hunger in my stomach?

Frankly, having a reputation as a man-eater might come in handy with some visiting dignitaries. A licking of the lips, a little strategic drooling, and I could probably get some great concessions for the country.

I could also end up with God reducing me to the size of a newt by the time my tour was done. Another great reason not to run.

Is it true you have a lawyer on retainer to field lawsuits for property damage?

You've been reading Kitty McGrue's articles, haven't you? Unlike the superheros you all seem to revere in this world, I can generally do my job without property damage. Unlike your legends, Faerie dragons have great control over their flames. I can light a cigarette as easily as blaze a building. The only "damage" I ever do is to scrape my claws against something I claim as my territory--and as the people of Los Lagos--that's not damage; that's insurance!

Seems to me I've read about a certain president whose staff thought it was fun to remove the W key from all the keyboards in the White House. Did he need a lawyer?

Property damage. (snort) Next thing, you'll be asking if I'm housebroken.

If you choose to run, what would be your platform?

Since I don't choose to run, and can't run, and would probably lose most of my dragon abilities I've earned back over the past eight centuries if I did run, I'd have to say my platform would be: Find Someone Else.

The AARP would like to host a debate with the other candidates but they are concerned about a suitable venue. Do you have any suggestions?

I live, eat, drink, work and attend Mass with humans, so physical location is not a problem as far as accommodations. I generally don’t fly long distances myself--it scared the Mundane populace--but if someone wants to pay for airship travel, I'll go anywhere. Not that I plan to run, but I do enjoy a good debate. A king-sized bed in my hotel room, a good restaurant (preferably with a bar or high table) and I'm good to go.

We already have some idea about your forms of daily exercise to stay fit; however, the AMA is concerned about your diet, cholesterol, and potential health risks during your presidency. Would you like to say on the subject?

I'm immortal. 'Nuff said.

Is there anything you would like to say to the American people?

Don't ask to ride on my back. Don't treat me like an animal. Don't ever call me Vern d'Wyvern.

OK. I know folks are a little frustrated by the choices for US Presidency this time around, but did I ever say I wanted the job?

Vern for President Campaign Makes the News

135 shots of whiskey or cans of 3.2 beer
20 gallons of wine
Mixed drinks: varies, but let's just say I'd go broke first.

5 gallons of ethanol.

Guess where I go to get snockered on a Saturday night?

(Not that I do that much, anymore, but there were a couple of years here in the Mundane when I was a regular at the local Gas N Grub. That was before Grace came into my life.)